<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Why Am I Always The Bad Guy? by JustAnAnxiousMess</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26839585">Why Am I Always The Bad Guy?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnAnxiousMess/pseuds/JustAnAnxiousMess'>JustAnAnxiousMess</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood and Injury, Pre-Episode: Accepting Anxiety</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 12:40:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,681</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26839585</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnAnxiousMess/pseuds/JustAnAnxiousMess</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
      <p>This was written before the second part of accepting anxiety and is set before either part<br/>Trigger Warnings: mentions of blood and self deprecating thoughts and feelings.</p>
    </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Why Am I Always The Bad Guy?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was written before the second part of accepting anxiety and is set before either part<br/>Trigger Warnings: mentions of blood and self deprecating thoughts and feelings.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Anxiety paced in his room, thoughts running wildly through his head about how much of a let down he was and how much better off Thomas and the other sides would be without him. He paused as an idea struck him. All the sides had TVs in their rooms and Anxiety had found out on accident that if he concentrated really hard he could make it show what Thomas was up to. He knew he should respect Thomas’s privacy but he just had to silence his thoughts. He turned on the TV and watched carefully.</p><p>On screen: Roman sighed “Thomas I’m trying my best to give you the greatest ideas for your video’s but what use are they if Anxiety makes you reject them? He knows nothing of creating good content or ideas. This entire process would be easier without him.” Thomas rubbed his eyes, exhaustion starting to kick in.“ Look Roman I know it’s frustrating but he’s just doing his job.” he muttered. <br/>Roman frowned, deep in thought. “there must be a way of preventing him from getting to you so much though. You’re whole life is hindered by his dismal attitude and I think the rest of us are getting fed up of our points of view or advice being thrown away just because he doesn’t like the sound of it.” Thomas stayed silent, a look of uncertainty on his face. “Surely that’s not true? I do take your advice when I can, from all of you.” Roman let out a small chuckle “rarely Thomas, ask the other two and they’ll say the same thing. He just doesn’t contribute anything worthwhile, all he does is make your life difficult and I’m getting sick of it.”</p><p>Anxiety stood dead still, his eyes wide in shock and horror as he tried to register the words he’d just heard. He was right all along, none of them wanted him around and he was just a glitch that shouldn’t have ever existed. He’d always known he wasn’t exactly a walk in the park for Thomas to deal with, but to hear the very thoughts he’d been thinking actually being spoken aloud by Roman made his heart sink. And he did have a heart as unbelievable as it may sound. He eventually managed to unfreeze but he could feel his breath starting to catch in his throat and his lungs started to hurt. He struggled to breathe but soon managed to recover by doing a breathing exercise.</p><p>He looked back up at the screen and saw the other two sides had joined Thomas and Roman. Of course they’d been called but Thomas never voluntarily called Anxiety. Whenever he showed up they would all sigh or make rude comments about him showing up to ruin everything. None of them wanted him to turn up.</p><p>“I know he’s a part of you just like us but that doesn’t mean we have to like him” said Roman looking at his nails nonchalantly on the screen.</p><p>Anxiety glanced at the TV and felt anger and despair overwhelm him. Before he could stop himself he swung a fist at the TV which smashed, sending shards of glass to the ground and slicing up Anxietys fist. The TV immediately shut off and he collapsed on the floor holding his bleeding hand and holding back tears.</p><p>Thomas pinched the bridge of his nose, the bickering of three of his four sides starting to give him a headache, or at least that’s what he thought.</p><p>“Roman you may have a point about Anxiety but keep in mind he is still a part of Thomas and deserves to be treated like the rest of us.” Logan said, pushing his glasses back up his nose while throwing a wary look at the corner where Anxiety usually appeared.</p><p>“I know he’s a part of you just like us but that doesn’t mean we have to like him.” Roman said, looking at his nails nonchalantly.</p><p>Patton frowned, a look that was odd on his usually happy face. “Roman, I’m ashamed of you! Anxiety may be gloomy and yes he’s very negative most of the time but he contributes a lot, probably more than the rest of us.” he exclaimed.</p><p>Before Roman could respond however Thomas let out a cry of pain and grabbed his nose. <br/>“ I think I’m having a nose bleed.” he mumbled, trying not to get blood on his clothes or the floor.</p><p>Logans mind immediately began racing, trying to deduce the best way of combating the nose bleed and why it would have suddenly occurred like that without warning.<br/>“what kind of pain did you feel?” he asked in his no nonsense voice.</p><p>“kind of like a stabbing one I guess?” Thomas said with a shrug as he held tissue to his nose.</p><p>Patton watched concerned and opened his mouth to speak but as he locked eyes with Logans he noticed the look on his face. The wide eyes and rapidly whitening face meant he knew why it happened and it was bad.<br/>“Logan?” he questioned worriedly.</p><p>Logan coughed and began to speak in a slightly shaky voice which instantly got the attention of everyone in the room. “I think I know the cause of your nose bleed.” he said, exchanging a glance with Patton.</p><p>“what’s going on?” Thomas asked, his eyes flickering between Logan and Patton nervously. Logan threw a small glance at Roman before replying “I think it’s because of Anxiety.”</p><p>Roman rolled his eyes and spoke before anyone else could respond to the information. “oh great, yet another way that Mopey can mess up your life.” he said, his voice sounding annoyed.</p><p>“Mopey?” asked Patton in confusion.</p><p>“you know like Dopey from Snow White and the seven dwarves” Roman said in a slow voice, rolling his eyes about Patton having to ask.</p><p>Thomas watched three of them start bickering again silently wondered when Anxiety would turn up it couldn’t be long now that rest were arguing again.</p><p>Anxiety got to his feet clutching his bleeding hand and managed clamber onto the bed and burrow under the covers. Once he was under the comforting black duvet he let go of his emotions and tears fell thick and fast smudging the black eye shadow under his eyes. As he gulped and sobbed he was glad the sheets were black so the blood and makeup wouldn't show up.</p><p>Thomas eventually had enough of the others arguing. "stop you're just making my headache worse. Logan do have any idea how Anxiety could have caused me to have a nose bleed?" Thomas asked, one hand clutching his head while the other held tissue to his bleeding nose.</p><p>Logan straightened his tie and opened mouth to reply before a loud gasp interrupted him.<br/>"Oh god we need check on Anxiety, he could be hurt." shouted Patton. "why?" Roman asked with a frown and looked more confused than ever, clearly not thinking of it as much of an issue.</p><p>Logan then spoke up "I was going to say Anxiety can't cause nose bleeds unless it's an extreme situation but Thomas doesn't seem any more anxious than normal so we must deduce something has happened directly to Anxiety."</p><p>Thomas gasped "you guys can get hurt and stuff?" he asked. Logan nodded absently trying think why Anxiety might have gotten hurt.</p><p>"well we need to go check on him which means visiting his room." Patton said determinedly.</p><p>Thomas nodded before doing a double take. “wait you guys have your own rooms?”</p><p>Logan replied “of course, where else would we go when we’re not talking to you?”</p><p>Thomas tilted his head, thinking, and then shrugged. “I guess I’d never thought about it before. Anyway how do we get to Anxietys room?” he asked.</p><p>“if we really must visit that horrific place then all you have to do is think about all the things that make you super anxious and concentrate real hard on them and we should arrive.” Roman said reluctantly.</p><p>Thomas nodded and glanced at Patton and Logan who gave him the thumbs up (Patton) and nodded (Logan) to show their readiness. He dug through his thoughts and felt himself falling through nothing as he latched onto his anxious thoughts. As his feet hit solid ground he opened his eyes to find himself in front of a completely black door with no apparent handle to open it.</p><p>“yes that’s the door to Anxietys room.” whispered Patton from behind him.</p><p>“why are we whispering?” Thomas asked.</p><p>“Because we don’t want to rile him up. Who knows what kind of state he’s in right now.” Logan muttered, trying not to sound too concerned.</p><p>"I still don’t get why…” Roman started before something fabric was shoved in his mouth. “mph!” he tried to speak but it came out muffled. Thomas raised an eyebrow at Patton who just smiled innocently, ignoring the fact that Logan was glaring at him for shoving his tie in Romans mouth.</p><p>“let’s just get on with it.” Thomas said, wanting to avoid any more arguments for today. Logan tugged his tie out of Romans mouth in disgust before saying “of course.”</p><p>“how are we supposed to get into his room then?” asked Roman in a quiet voice, horrified by Pattons actions.</p><p>Logan carefully felt for a door handle and managed to find it. It was the exact same shade of black as the door so it was almost invisible. He twisted it and as the door slowly opened the rest of them quietly crept into the room.</p><p>As they entered Thomas was taking in the decor and had to hold back a gasp at the sight of the smashed TV. “what do you think happened?” asked Thomas as quietly as possible. “he probably just got mad that no one was reblogging his tumblr posts or something.” Roman responded in a voice that would have convinced Thomas he didn’t care but his tensed shoulders and wide eyes betrayed the concern he obviously felt.</p><p>As the four of them stepped forwards more into the room they heard a small muffled noise from the very corner of the room.</p><p>Creeping forwards Thomas noticed a bed with all black covers but in the midst of the black was a bump, as if someone was curled up underneath the blankets.</p><p>Patton stepped forward and gently peeled back the covers to reveal Anxiety curled in on himself, shaking with what appeared to be silent tears. “what happened?” mouthed Thomas, worry and concern written all over his face.</p><p>Patton ignored him and did what he did best. <br/>“hey kiddo, what’s wrong?” he asked in a low soothing voice, placing a hand on Anxietys back in a comforting way.</p><p>Anxiety flinched violently at the contact and sudden voice, curling up tighter, wishing he could just disappear. “g… Go away!” he growled, trying to sound threatening but failing miserably as it just sounded pathetic.</p><p>Patton rubbed Anxietys back and replied “not until you tell me what has you so worked up like this.” Logan and Thomas glanced at each other unsure what to do in this situation while Roman stood rooted to the spot, unable to tear his gaze from Anxietys shaking form.</p><p>“I said go away! Just leave me here on my own, same as always. I’m used to being alone.” Patton seemed to shrink slightly at his comment and guilt made its way onto everyone’s face.</p><p>“Anxiety?” Thomas asked cautiously, approaching the bed where Patton was sat.</p><p>“not you as well! Just go back to planning your videos and ignore me, all I do is bother you anyway.” Anxiety gasped out, trying not to break down further.</p><p>Thomas glanced at Logan for help but before anyone else could speak Roman finally found his voice. “if you know you bother Thomas, why do you do it?” he asked. Everyone turned to look at him in shock at his tactless comment and Anxiety let out a weak laugh.</p><p>“Of course. You’re all here to ‘help’ me but only because it’s started to effect Thomas. None of you actually give a damn, I could completely disappear and you’d all be happier wouldn’t you? None of you understand what it’s like to be the very embodiment of anxiety and have to keep a tight reign on your emotions or terrible things could happen. No I must just be the bad guy because that’s easier than acknowledging that you’ve failed to realise I may actually have feelings. Don’t worry about that anymore though. I’m leaving as soon as I can. I can’t take any of this anymore and one way or another I’ll disappear and none of you will ever see me again.” while speaking, Anxiety finally sat up to look around at the others who flinched at the sight of his tear streaked face and running makeup.</p><p>“Oh my god what happened to your hand?” Patton gasped, his eyes locked onto the blood soaked sleeve and hand that had smashed the TV.</p><p>Everyone’s eyes were drawn to it and the whole room was silent for a few seconds before Roman eventually spoke up again.</p><p>“You heard our conversation earlier didn’t you?” he asked in a monotone voice, his face devoid of emotion.</p><p>Anxiety just looked away, wiping tears from his face before remembering his injured hand. “damn it.” he hissed in pain and annoyance at himself as he felt the blood smeared on his face being to congeal.</p><p>Throughout all of this Thomas was deep in thought and finally found the right words. “Anxiety, you don’t have to leave. Although you may make things difficult sometimes, I wouldn’t be able to cope without you. You may largely be anxiety but you’re also my sense of safety and fight or flight reactions. Without you I wouldn’t be able to tell when certain situations are dodgy or when a person is using me for their own selfish reasons. I need you just as much as I need everyone else. Believe it or not, I care about you, I care about all of you and I would hate for you to disappear because not only would I become a completely gullible mess, I’d miss you and your sarky, albeit dark humour. You’re a part of me and despite some of the things I might have said in the past, I would never want to get rid of you.” Thomas glanced at Anxiety with a small smile, hoping his words got through to him.</p><p>Patton was staring from Anxiety to Thomas with tears rolling down his face as he registered all the raw emotions being expressed.</p><p>Logan produced some tissues and handed them to Patton who grabbed a handful and placed the box next to Anxiety.</p><p>Anxiety got up from the bed, ignoring the tissues, and walked over to Thomas, Logan and Roman. “that may be how you feel Thomas but what about the nerd and sir singalot? Are they willing to drop the whole ‘he’s the bad guy’ shtick?” he asked in a dull voice</p><p>“I’m the one who alerted Thomas to the fact you might have injured yourself and despite what you might think, I’ve always thought of you as one of us, you’re the most grounded side other than me and I enjoy having debates with you, something that I could never have with the others. I’ve never wanted you gone I just don’t appreciate the way you twist my words sometimes and turn them into something negative. I’ve never expressed any wish to have you removed or anything because I understand better than the others that you’re a necessary part of Thomas. “ Logan said in a slightly softer voice than normal.</p><p>Anxiety nodded then turned his dark eyes to Roman who was looking especially guilty and conflicted. “what about you?” Anxiety asked in a flat tone, hiding any emotion he may be feeling. </p><p>Roman swallowed nervously, something that rarely happened. He opened his mouth to speak and his eyes locked onto the still bleeding hand that had started dripping blood onto the black carpet. “you should get that sorted out before I speak, you’ve probably lost a lot of blood.” Roman said, concern flickering across his face.</p><p>“I’ll be fine, you’re just stalling for time.” Anxiety replied, ignoring the warning despite the lightheaded feeling that started to wash over him. He just didn’t care right now.</p><p>Roman sighed and began to speak. “I always thought that you were a hindrance to Thomas because whenever I gave him a brilliant idea, most of the time you’d make sure it was shot down. I used to think you did it because you found it fun to annoy me or make Thomas’s life more difficult but from what I’ve heard from everyone in this room, when I look back I can see you were only trying to protect Thomas. I sometimes forget you’re just like us because you play the role of a villain so well but I’ve come to realise that the real villain in this situation is me and I hope you can forgive me for being so horrible towards you for so long but if you can’t I’ll deal with that as well. You’re the reason that he puts so much effort into everything he does, you’re the reason he goes over lyrics and scripts repeatedly until he knows them by heart, you’re the reason he does so well because you tell him how failing would be and that drives him to do his very best at everything he does and I should really thank you for that because I now realise that without you, all the dreams he’s accomplished so far wouldn’t have been made possible. I’m so sorry that I didn’t realise all this before but I promise I’ll remember it in the future.”</p><p>After Roman finished there was a large silence which was only broken when Anxiety gave a small sniff. Everyone else waited with baited breath to see what would happen next.</p><p>Anxiety thought over everybody’s comments and felt the heavy feeling that had been weighing on him suddenly lift and he let out a small sigh. He was starting to feel less like an outcast and more like a part of the whole. He felt a wave of fresh tears start to roll down his cheeks and he closed his eyes, trying to control himself.</p><p>“it’s alright to cry you know.” said a soft soothing voice from beside him. At that he finally let out the loud sobs he’d been holding in for ages and his whole body shook from them.</p><p>Patton immediately pulled him in for a hug, glad that Anxiety had finally taken his advice of letting his emotions out. He gestured for everyone else to join in the hug and they did although rather awkwardly with Anxiety in the middle.</p><p>Eventually everyone pulled back and Anxiety wiped his face, not that it mattered as there was makeup and blood all over it still. He breathed in deeply and then out again before looking down at his injured hand which still hadn’t stopped bleeding which he probably should have wrapped up a while ago. He glanced up and opened his mouth to speak before he felt his legs give way.</p><p>Luckily everyone was still quite close from the hug so Roman caught him before he hit the floor.</p><p>“I probably should have bandaged this up after I did it.” he muttered.</p><p>Logan pushed his glasses further up his nose with a sigh and set about trying to staunch the bleeding and clean it up a bit. “you’ve probably lost a lot of blood so you’re going to let me do this or so help me I will let Patton redecorate your bedroom in glitter.” he said in a concerned but stern voice.</p><p>Patton watched with teary eyes, fiddling with the sleeves of the cardigan tied around his shoulders. He had to take his glasses off to wipe away tears and then put them back on again to see what Logan was doing.</p><p>Thomas stood watching, chewing on one of his fingers nervously for a bit and then felt a stern gaze coming from across from him so he dropped his hands to his sides and settled for watching while shifting his weight from one foot to the other continuously.</p><p>Roman held Anxiety, worry showing all over his face as he saw the severity of the injury. “I told you to get that sorted out before we got lost in conversation and now look.” he said, his voice rising in pitch towards the end of the sentence as his fear became apparent.</p><p>Anxiety rolled his eyes and would have told Roman to stop being so over dramatic but the look on everyones face made him stop. Now was definitely not the right moment for his sarky attitude.</p><p>Logan managed to clean up most of the blood but recoiled as he noticed a shard of glass still embedded into one of Anxietys knuckles. "this is going to sting a bit." he warned before carefully pulling the shard out.</p><p>Anxiety hissed at the sensation and felt even more light headed as the cut from where the embedded glass had been began to bleed.</p><p>Patton hid his face, feeling sick at the sight of so much blood. Instead of watching he decided to comfort Thomas who looked about ready to curl up into a ball and cry. He walked over and placed a hand on Thomas's shoulder, murmuring comforting words quietly.</p><p>Anxiety looked around at everyone, still having trouble believing that they actually wanted him around and they didn't hate him.</p><p>"thank you everyone." he whispered before falling unconscious.</p><p>"don't worry, he's alright but he needs to sleep, he's probably exhausted from losing all that blood and possibly emotionally drained. Sleep is probably the best thing for him right now." Logan explained in response to the gasps from the others. He glanced at where Anxiety lay in Romans arms and smiled in relief. He'd make a full recovery and be back to normal in no time.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>